Oh, Kiefer. Of all the women in the world over whom you could have jeopardized your probation (namely, ME) Brooke effing Shields? Suddenly cunting Susan? Seriously, bro?

This is not 1986, goddammit. You were at party celebrating MODELS for god’s sake. ANY ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE. I can live with you going to jail for defending Sasha Pivovarova’s honour. But not this.

You have hurt me, Kiefer. Hurt me real bad.